Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Free Steam Game: Minds Eye (review)

So about a week or so ago, I downloaded a free game from steam, called Minds Eye(sic). Now, obviously, it's a free game from steam and thus probably not good. It wasn't and I'm not bein harsh here, that's not what this is for. In fact I wanna say the guy who made this seems to genuinely want to make a good horror game and this was just a prototype. He accepted all the criticism of this game and made note of it and will probably make something less shit when he makes his actual game. So really this isn't even criticism of the game, it's not really a review.

I just wanna laugh at this thing because damn man, it is hilarious. It's not even all that bad it's just funny.

So what is this game anyway? Well it's first person walking simulator horror game. You know a rip off of PT basically. You wake up in a house and things are spooky and eventually a monster comes after you and junk. But, well, we need to take this one step at a time.

The first thing you'll notice about this game is that the voice acting is terrible. There are 3 people who speak in this game, all 3 by the guy who made this I presume. Only done with some kinda weird "I'm doing voice but I'm not good at it" deep voice. It sounds like the kind of voice acting you'd hear in The Town with No Name or Psycho Killer. Like it's BAD. You wake up to hearing this on the radio and the voice isn't the worst part of it, it's a really deadpan recounting of a recent murder case on the news where the guy goes "there was a okay now what was it let me get the script here". Then your character talks and it's the same guy doing the same voice and it's just... just wow. That's all I can say about it. I don't think it's lazy I think this guy just straight up sucks. Next time hire someone who isn't terrible like you are dude.

Then you begin to play the game and realize there's nothing to really play. What you do for most of this game is walk around your house over and over until something happens. I realize that's basically what PT is but you at least have to figure out how to make the thing happen there, here you just walk back and forth and eventually it happens. Also there seems to be other things to do, but not really. You pick up a teddy bear and it says this is a collectable but I only found one, the one I picked up that told me there were more. There's a pair of wire cutters in sink room number 2(not bathroom, neither of them have a toilet or bath/shower) but you can't pick them up, I tried. I pushed literally every key on my keyboard and none did shit. I kept going back at different points to see if I could use them but no.

As you walk around your fairly small area, doing nothing aside reading a total of two notes, things begin to happen. Things such as... chairs getting stacked on each other! And uhhhh a PICTURE falls off the WALL. And the lights go out OOOOOOH. But oh, when the lights go out you have to go put a fuse back in the fuse box which is... in your... bathroom? Well when you do that you get attacked by a

by a

by a zombie. Gorilla. A zombie gorilla. I don't know why, but that's what happens.

And then you go back to walking around doing nothing while THINGS happen, and you see like shadows of the zombie gorilla that flicker out. Eventually a door that wasn't there before opens up, you go down it into the basement, and you see the thing that makes this game worth playing. Why it's not just some shitty game, and it's a hilarious one.

First off you go down in there and the game tells you to find 3 computers, and when you find one you go and hold down a key for 5 seconds to hack it. Yes, you go and hack computers for no reason. These computers are mounted on the wall, also for no reason. Oh and guess what? That gorilla chases you while you look for these "computers" and hack them. He runs after you, and his running animation is just the best fucking thing ever. It's a god damn laugh riot. I can't explain it I really can't because it's unexplainable. The best I can do is say when he runs at you his arms flail backwards and wobble around, as if the programmer completely missed something and just let the arms loose to be at the mercy of unity's physics engine. It's great. He just flails at you. And even then it's a really bad like 2 frames of animation run too like it's just plain baffling. It's bad man, it's really bad.

So you're chased by an adventure time character, who is a zombie gorilla, that keeps telling you "get over here" and "hey" in that same bad voice from before, while you hack computers mounted on the wall by holding down a key for 5 seconds, in the basement, so you can escape from this nightmare world of your dreams.

Oh yeah, that's right. I guess the story of this is that the guy you're playing is in a coma or something and he's trying to wake up, but gorilla man over here doesn't want you to, like he's your Pyramid Head and he's trying to keep you from leaving. So I guess the way to get out is to hack computers in your basement. I really don't know because I couldn't get past the computer hacking part, I could only find 2 of them, and the chase is so poorly programed that it's super unfair, you basically have to know exactly where you're going and exactly where he's gonna be or you can't do it. I did look up some shit on youtube to see what happens after that and I guess you shoot some soul orbs or something and then go back to the house, but the gorilla zombie chases you with a chainsaw this time and eventually you're gonna get out but it stops you again or something? I dunno, it's just bad. It's really bad.

It's funny bad though, you should totally play it. Like I'm sitting here I don't know what to say, you gotta see it to believe it. The horror shit is so fucking lame, the game is bad and you just do nothing until something happens, and when something does happen it's dumb. It's really badly made it leaves me awestruck, and you should totally check it out!

It's only about 45 minutes long and you'll get to experience some plain old really bad shit, a guide of what not to do when you make a game.

I give this game Harambe out of PT.

Announcement

From now on I'll be using this blog entirely and pretty much abandoning the other one. I'll probably also change the name of this one to reflect the fact that I'll be putting more than just reviews here but I dunno maybe not I'm lazy and I doubt anyone cares.